Clearing a loved one’s home after they’ve passed away is one of the most emotionally challenging tasks you can face. It’s a process that intertwines grief with a huge amount of decision making, at a time when you're likely at your lowest .
In this interview, I speak with Maria Bailey, one of the founders at Grief Specialiasts CIC to explore, not only how to manage the deep emotions that arise during the process of clearing a loved one's home, but also the practical steps you can take to make the process more manageable.
Maria offers some valuable advice if you’re struggling to part with items and underlines the importance of having some support .
Hi Maria, can you introduce yourself and explain what you do at Grief Specialists?
Hi Janet, I’m one of the founders and directors of Grief Specialists CIC, a social enterprise set up to help anyone dealing with loss. We have a free online resource with lots of guides and articles covering a multitude of losses, from many kinds of bereavement to divorce, moving house, and redundancy.
We also have a directory of qualified grief workers in private practice who are available to support anyone who needs help. We have a small pot of funding to assist financially, too, so that nobody has to wait to access the care they need.
What inspired you to work in this field and set up Grief Specialists?
I didn’t wake up one day to the thought of working in this space. I would say my grief work found me. My background is in public relations and through a business contact, I got introduced to a training company that specialised in grief. I ended up doing the PR and marketing for the organisation.
Although it felt very worthy, I didn’t fully comprehend the importance of our work until both my parents died in 2020. A year later, the training company closed, and I felt passionate about continuing the work of providing support to those who need it, as did Matt, my co-founder who took care of digital marketing. That’s when Grief Specialists became a thing, and I trained as an Edu-Therapy Grief Resolution Specialist.
I recognised that one size doesn’t fit all when it comes to grief and set about creating the directory and content. We have many different kinds of grief professionals who are all qualified in what they do. They’re all validated and insured to work. The searchable directory is designed to help people find the person they most feel comfortable working with.
In your experience, what emotional challenges do people typically face when clearing out a loved one’s home after they’ve passed away?
A common challenge we encounter is people attaching emotions to possessions belonging to the person who has died, and then being unable to let the possessions go.
A coping mechanism we encounter a lot is ‘out of sight, out of mind.’ This is especially true if a property needs to be cleared in a hurry after a death, such as dealing with rented accommodation. If you can’t see it, then you don’t have to deal with it.
The temptation of boxing everything up and storing it to deal with at a later date often results in the later date never arriving. It just delays the issue of sorting everything out. Stuff might sit there for years, gathering dust, a bit like not dealing with grief and leaving it unresolved, hoping it will all go away. There’s also a financial implication if things are put in storage.
Although this might help at the time to feel like everything's being dealt with, or there’s an element of moving on, all you’re doing is shifting the problem to another time, perhaps for children to deal with after you’ve gone.
Attaching memories to possessions and then worrying about throwing items away is another common issue. Possessions can become more than just things; they have a story, a memory attached, and an emotional connection.
Objects, unlike people, don't leave us. They stay, mute witnesses to our joys and sorrows. For those grieving, possessions can serve as a link to the past, a bridge connecting them to the memories of loved ones. In the act of hoarding, there is an unconscious transfer of emotional energy – a way of holding on to the intangible by clinging to the tangible.
Hoarding becomes a coping mechanism, a way to maintain a connection to the departed through the physical remnants they left behind. Eventually throwing anything away can feel like another loss, no matter how insignificant the things are. The physical ‘letting go’ of something becomes increasingly harder.
Is there anything individuals can do to help prepare themselves emotionally for the process of house clearance before they make a start on this massive task?
Understanding the emotional roots of holding onto possessions can be the first step towards letting things go. Acknowledging and processing grief in a healthy way allows you to release the emotional baggage tied to possessions. This doesn't mean discarding everything; instead, it involves finding a balance between holding on to meaningful items and letting go of everything else.
Once someone has made that start to sort through the house contents, are there any coping strategies that people can use to manage their grief while sorting through their loved one’s belongings?
The emotional weight and logistical challenges involved in sifting through a lifetime's accumulation of possessions is huge, but it is possible to approach this process with care and clarity.
If you start questioning whether to keep something or not, ask yourself, are you worried that it’s another goodbye, or because you’re worried about losing a bit more of the person who has died? Both are normal things to feel. These feelings are natural and valid, and it's important to approach the task of handling their belongings with sensitivity and self-compassion.
Be prepared for finding items that you can’t unsee, or unread. There might be things like diaries that were never meant for public consumption, or personal possessions that you didn’t expect to find. You might uncover skeletons in the closet.
Enlist the assistance of someone who can offer support and understanding without imposing their own agenda on the process, who is happy to listen but not direct you with what to do with everything.
Approach the task in manageable chunks rather than attempting to tackle everything at once. Take regular breaks to alleviate feelings of overwhelm.
A lot of people I work with are simply overwhelmed by the challenge of the house clearance at a time when they are naturally emotionally and physically drained. Are there any specific techniques or exercises you recommend for dealing with overwhelming during this time?
Create and even label five piles:
1. Keep (for yourself)
2. Sell
3. Charity
4. Items for others (they might be listed in a Will, or special mementoes)
5. Bin
This will help you to focus, especially if there’s lots to go through. If you can’t make up your mind straight away, come back to the pile with a fresh mind to go through it again.
A good technique, if you are feeling overwhelmed, is to bring yourself back to the present moment. This involves taking a break. Sit outside for five minutes (you can set a timer), close your eyes, and just listen. Don’t allow your mind to drift, only take in sounds. Listen to birds, traffic, children playing, and breathe.
Another technique is blowing out birthday candles! This is especially useful if you can feel your anxiety or anger rising. Hold your fingers up in front of you and pretend they are candles. Blow out your age in candles, one at a time. This will help to calm your breathing and will distract you in that moment.
How can individuals balance the practical task of house clearance with the emotional aspect of letting go?
There’s no one-size-fits-all strategy for coping with the emotions you might feel while going through this process. Be kind to yourself in whatever ways you can. Don’t be tempted to rush the process, unless you have to, of course. Allow yourself to take time for breaks as often as you need to, and don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. Recognise in yourself when you need to stop. This process can feel exhausting and if you need to take a nap, then do. You don’t need to push yourself.
If you find yourself grappling with unresolved grief or feeling stuck in the process, know that there are professionals available to offer support, both emotionally and practically, as you go through this time of transition
It’s impossible to keep everything when someone has to clear a property but the natural attachment to something because it belonged to their loved one can make the decision process hard. What advice do you have for those who find it difficult to part with their loved one’s possessions?
You don’t need to deal with it all at once. This might involve taking things home with you if there is a deadline. To ensure you do deal with them at some point, diarise a time when you are able to come back to the possessions that you’re not ready to deal with yet.
Start small. Begin with less sentimental items that hold less emotional value, such as everyday items like place mats. This can help ease you into the process before tackling more meaningful items.
Break the task into smaller, more manageable time slots. For example, focus on one room or category of items at a time, and if you feel it would help, set a timer for one hour.
Create a small pile with a few items that really remind you of your person and represent what they mean to you. They are non-negotiable items that you definitely want to keep. Buying a special box to keep them in will help edit your pile. A scrap book or photo album are also ways to manage what you keep, too.
However, the opposite might be true, and you might not want to deal with any of it and just want everything gone. Take some time to understand why you’re feeling like that, and work out if it’s something you might regret later if you get a house clearance company in.
There are a few items that do need attention before you close the door on it all. If you are the executor, there are several documents you will need, including the deeds for any property, utility bills, Life insurance, stocks and bond certificates, state and private pension details, passport, bank and credit card statements, and their National Insurance number.
Make sure you clear any food out of the fridge, freezer and cupboards. Anything you don’t want to keep but is unopened and in date can be donated to local food banks.
How important is it to have a support system in place during the house clearance process?
Grieving can feel very lonely and isolating. The chances are, lots of people have told you they are there if you need them. ‘If you need anything...’ is common message grievers receive. So many people don’t ask for that support for lots of reasons, mainly the energy it takes to pick up the phone. However, this is the time to reach out to someone you trust and ask if they can help with this process if you are trying to clear things out on your own. They did offer, after all, and would probably welcome the opportunity to feel useful in a practical way.
It’s also helpful to have a trusted person you can just talk to. If you’re clearing as a family, friction and arguments over treasured possessions are common. Having someone you can call to offload your feelings can help relieve your tension with family members and stop it escalating to a full-blown fall out. Balance what’s more important in your mind if you feel tensions rising; the family member or the possession. This will help you work out which to let go of!
What kind of support can friends and family offer to someone going through this experience whilst grieving?
Patience is so important during this time. It might feel tempting to tell someone to chuck it all out, but this really is a process, and often a slow one. They might need to talk everything through in great detail. Just listen without interruption, even if it is repetitive.
Hold space for them to talk it all out and cry. Someone else’s tears can feel uncomfortable but it’s a normal reaction to loss. Don’t hand them tissues if they do cry. By handing them a tissue, you’re giving them an unconscious signal to stop crying. Instead, ask if they would like a hug.
When should someone consider seeking professional help from a grief professional?
Please know that asking for help is not a weakness and you don’t need to live a life of pain. We often hear the phrase, ‘grief is the price of love.’ It is not a millstone, and you don’t need to live your life like that.
If you’re struggling to cope with everyday life, if you’re constantly having dark thoughts, if you can’t get up in the morning, or you can’t sleep at night, reach out for professional help. Physical symptoms of grief aren’t really spoken about. You can have actual heartache, backache, headaches, and wherever you usually ache can feel exaggerated. You can also experience a short fuse, reduced concentration, panicky... These are normal reactions to grief and all worthy of professional support.
What final piece of advice would you give to someone who is about to begin clearing out a loved one’s home?
Be gentle and patient with yourself. This is not just a physical task, but an emotional journey through your memories and connection with someone close to you, whether they were a loved one, or less than loved one. Allow yourself to move at your own pace, embrace the emotions that arise, and remember that it’s alright to take a break when it feels overwhelming. Trust that you will know what to keep and what to let go of, and that their memory will live on in your heart, no matter what you decide to do with their belongings.
Grief Specialists is a collective of grief experts dedicated to supporting anyone experiencing loss. Their specialists have different areas of expertise - ready to provide professional support and resources to guide you through your grief journey. The website offers free resources and access to an array of professional support, including details of grief coaches, therapists and specialists with a wealth of expertise and shared life experiences to help you find the rights support for you.
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